For the love of fear

I met with a dear friend of mine today.  Wonderful experience!  We talked and drank excellent tea, and talked some more.  All in all, lots of talk.  Her comments during all this talk began to coalesce into a mass of fear, a deep all persuasive fear.  I was amazed to realize that I truly did not understand this.  Now granted, I am what many would consider to be an old man, even though my feelings are far different; and my friend is in her youth.  Fact is, I guess I could technically be her grandfather!  Hard to believe!  Sort of snuck up on me, I guess.  Anyway, I believe I do not fear anything (except heights, which doesn't really count because I have every reason to fear this).  I'm not sure when this turn of events happened.  I remember I knew fear when I was in my youth.  I remember waking up in the wee hours of the morning and laying awake in fear until I heard my Father rise and go downstairs to make his morning coffee.  I would feel a wave of security sweep over me, snuggle up in my covers and go back to a calm sleep.  I used to fear pain as well.  I would try to avoid a fight because I did not want the pain associated with the aftermath of the flailing.  Somewhere along the line, I seem to have lost my fear.  Today I was amazed to realize how my friend cast limits on her life based upon fear.  To be fair, she has achieved wonders in working through much of this.  So much of the problems we face seem to be based in fear.  But fear is a future event of no substance.  It has reality only in our ego.  Maybe that is the answer.  Maybe I am actually beginning to live from the heart instead of the mind.  The ego can't go here, it's off limits to such silliness.  Maybe I'm finally beginning to see results from my years of seeking my Spirit.  Shame it took me so long.  I hope my friend makes the journey far quicker.  Maybe my words in some small way helped.  I hope so, I really do.

TRUST

What is trust?  What gives it meaning?  I ponder things like this at times.  It seems to me that trust is the foundation of my relationships, yet I have never taken the time to define it.  Do I just assume it to be there?  When young, I trust my parents.  I depend on them to provide for my needs so I may live.  So, is this trust, or mere dependence?  Does trust require a choice, a condition of "non-trust" as an option?  If this is the case, my example of my parents would not be considered trust, I would think.  As I grow into adulthood, I realize trust plays more of a role in my relationships.  Maybe trust is directly proportional to my openness to another?  A casual meeting requires little trust.  But when I drive my car, I must trust the other driver to follow the same rules of the road as myself.  Is this the same trust as in an intimate relationship?  Maybe there are different forms of trust, such as different types of snow?  Maybe the problem with trust is that there is no one definition.  Maybe trust is an expression of one's personality.  Does the trust of an introvert differ from that of an extrovert?  I believe myself to be an extrovert.  I believe I assume trust in a relationship, then am surprised when my "trust" is shattered by behavior I deem unacceptable.  Is this putting undue burden on those I befriend?  How can "lines of trust" be delineated at the onset of a relationship so all involved agree what is acceptable versus non acceptable behavior?  Or does behavior have nothing to do with trust?  Maybe I place too great a burden on the other in my relationships.  Maybe I must limit my trust to myself.  What am I prepared to express with no concern for repercussion?  I trust the answer will come to me.  I trust my relationships in the future will not crumble because my definition of trust is not in sync with those I care to share myself with.  Or, maybe I am over-thinking the issue?

For my love of women

Apparently I hate women.  I was told of this recently.  Apparently, because I get pleasure in photographing women, this is an indication that I hate them.  Odd, really.  I can take pretty much whatever is said about my person, but when one trashes my art, I have a problem.  Now, I did not feel any animosity or anger when I became aware of this assessment of my motivation.  I guess my response can best be summed up by inquisitiveness.  I'm sure the person stating this had their reasons, and I would not argue that there probably is some deeper layer of hostility towards women somewhere in my psyche.  I cannot help but feel that I am far from alone in this.  How many of us feel we have been snubbed by a member of the opposite sex?  Or for that matter, from anyone else, period?  How many of us have been deeply hurt by others in our life?  I choose to believe that I am beyond the vindictive mentality.  But, it is what it is. Having said that, I wish to try and explain my art, my motivation, and my conscious attitude towards women.

I love the human body.  I find it to be miraculous, the best evidence I know for the existence of my Creator.  I see in my physical form the beauty and creativity of my Father.  In my photography, I love most capturing the human form in the natural environment. I would welcome models of both sexes.  However, I find I do have a bias towards women.  For me, there is a tension of a very special nature between myself as artist and the model I am attempting to express in my art.  I believe this tension is of a sexual nature.  Without getting side tracked too much, let me say I believe the greatest gift from my Creator to me in this physical form is the sexual communication between two people who share a special bond or chemistry.  In my mind, there are few closer relationships then what is possible between an artist and his or her model.  This may be instantaneous, or may take time to develop, but the potential is always there.  This sharing of my innermost self with that of another is perhaps my main reason for my efforts.  Then there is what I believe to be a service I attempt to provide.  Up until now, I truly believed I loved women.  Little did I know of the hatred lurking in the shadows (being facetious).  In reality, I have spent a good part of my life assisting women downtrodden in a male dominated culture.  I have taught auto mechanics in the University Women's Center and volunteered at a local telephone drug hot line, as well as assisting to teach self defense classes to women.  (I was the guy in the padded suit everyone got to beat up on!)  Far too often did I see women expressing a low self esteem because of the false impressions imposed by our society.  "I'm not pretty", "I'm too fat", "my body is not as good as hers"….. The list goes on and on.  I have always been amazed at the difference in how a woman may appear in my eyes as opposed to her own.  The vast majority of my photographs of my models are in black and white, printed on a gel silver medium with archival processing.  Why?  This is far more work and of much greater expense then digital, but I think it is worth it.  Digital images may last 60-70 years at best, but my prints will remain in their "as new" condition for hundreds of years.  I tell my models that the prints are as much for their great great grandchildren as they are for themselves.  To me, they are worth the extra effort and expense.  If I ever were to doubt this, the look on my model's face when she sees how I see her is worth it all! 

Lastly, I'd like to make clear to those who may wonder; the clothing, or lack thereof, draping my model is totally her decision.  I am there to express her as I see her, in the form she wishes to be seen.  Of the hundreds, perhaps thousands of photos I have had the  honor of taking over my forty-some years of photography, perhaps 10% at most have been nude.

There, now I feel better.