a shaman's mate

This is going to be interesting today, so I hope you can follow along the convoluted path.  First, let me say that irregardless of what follows, I do not envision myself as a shaman.  I practice shamanism as a spiritual tool to better myself and aid in my service to others.  Having said that, let me jump in.  In an all too familiar scenario, it starts with "I have a friend....".  First, a little history.  To those who know me, it seems improbable, but I was extremely shy when growing up.  I still am, for that matter.  How this relates will eventually become clear.  Anyway, I had very low self esteem because of my speech; I stutter, always have, still do.  This shyness was most prevalent in relating to girls.  That first kiss was extremely difficult for me to initiate.  I guess I was terrified of being denied.  Who really knows the mind of a teenager.  Anyway, sex became a really big deal to me.  It signified acceptance, a thing I craved above all else.  To my mind, acceptance was something to be held like a trophy of sorts.  Words like "I love you" were nice, but the physical was what I related to most, the thing I could hold.  It was real.  So to me, sex was the pinnacle of acceptance.  This person was willing to let me use her body.  How much more physical can one get?  It also had the effect of limiting relationships.  Once that special someone had given me the use of her body, what other "reward" was there?  Better to move on to the next conquest in that never ending search for acceptance.  Moving on in time, when I was in undergraduate school back in the 70's one of my majors was philosophy.  This was back when Craig of "Craig and Nancy" fame and I were good friends (see "old friends" post, Dec. 10th).  In one of our classes, Craig and I teamed up to write a rather lengthy paper on love and sex, and why Aristotle was wrong when he said all things were good or bad in themselves.  I have come to understand that things are far more complicated then the position taken back then, but one of the biggies of this paper was my position on sex and acceptance.  In the years of my life, I have always used sex for this reason.  This has resulted in a rather warped perception of women, one of women as objects to satisfy my need for acceptance.  As of late, I have accepted this part of myself and am slowly resolving the associated issues, but we won't go there.  To the point, sir!  Well, the point is that I have realized that sex as I have known it was a powerful tool of my ego.  It was one of those tools my ego used to keep me in the physical world and distant from my spiritual self.  While sex can and should be a beautiful gift from my Creator to be shared sparingly, to me it became the albatross of my spiritual search.  It has kept me from experiencing many potentially wonderful relationships, and has undermined others to the extent that it became impossible for the relationship to continue.  Things have happened of late that have really helped me work through this issue.  But my point here is that the shaman has aid in this dilemma, if in fact it even is such for him/her.  The shaman can have a spirit mate, a person of the spirit world analogous to the husband or wife in ordinary reality.  This being is there to assist the shaman in whatever way the relationship dictates.  I have been aware of this for some time and in fact have a relationship with a spirit mate.  What I have not realized until today is that one of the most powerful aspects of this relationship is that it removes the sexual component from the sole domination of the ego.  No longer is the ego able to use this tool to keep me bound to the physical world.  Now, where once the concept of sex was a hinderance to my path of healer, it is now a powerful tool to help me get beyond the problem of ego.  The realization that the foundation of the sexual relationship is not merely physical, but the ultimate sharing of ones total self with another completely has blessed me with a freedom I had never envisioned.  To some this may seem odd at best, but this revelation has been very special to me.  I feel I am not in this battle alone anymore.  My spirit helpers are there to help me in all ways, a gift of my Creator.  How wonderful!