a convoluted path....

I guess winter is here, or very close.  A heavy, wet snow fell on Saturday leaving many trees minus a few branches.  We lost power for a short time, but not too bad really.  Winter is a difficult time for me generally.  I'm not sure why, but it is.  Maybe it's the short daylight, maybe the cold.  Whatever it is, I am effected by it in a heavy way.  I find motivation becomes difficult and I am consumed with a sadness that seems to penetrate my bones.  Don't get me wrong, it is not a continual overwhelming condition, but it is there.  I think I am in a period of change.  I miss things that have been a part of my life in the past, but have not yet identified suitable replacements.  I know that things change, and I accept that I must let go of memories, being thankful for the beauty.  I know where I am headed, at least I believe I do.  It's just that I haven't gotten there yet.  But this is a good thing.  When I feel this way, I get very introspective.  This is the time of renewal, a time of taking stock of my life and facing an honesty that is quite extreme.  Yeah.  I do receive valuable insight into my being, however.  And this is good.  It's just that so much of my identity has come from things that I realize are moving into my past.  My identity is becoming an empty page, ready to receive the words of a new chapter.  Scary, yes, but full of potential.  Isn't this what life is; a continual time of change, of growth?  I believe my core being is moving from a physical center to a spiritual center.  I have always had a spiritual part, but this is different.  Far different.  I anticipate my spiritual self becoming the center, dominant part of my self, my Being of being as Heidegger put it.  Am I excited by the prospect?  Yes.  Am I frightened?  I think so, but in a good way.  I think maybe my lack of motivation, my fear, may be a reluctance to abandon that part of me that I have always known as me.  In the past, I had a physical representation of who is me.  That is rapidly fading.  I find my spiritual self is facing the reality that my "self" is in fact a figment of my imagination.  There is no spiritual "me", per say.  The self is part of a total entity that encompasses all.  Sounds cool, but how does one grasp this?  It's like trying to grab smoke.  I know what I need to do.  Why is it so difficult to do it?  Again, I fall back on the realization that acceptance of this movement is abandonment of the past, and of a self that has provided comfort to me for most of my life.  So, I am taking baby steps forward.  I am dipping my toes into the pool of life at an entirely different level.  The deep end.  And, at some point, I know I must make the plunge.  But, I do know how to swim.  Yes, this will be an interesting year ahead.