Oh, my God!

Today I have attached a link to something beautiful, something my words can never portray.  I do hope you enjoy!

http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/TEDxSF-Louie-Schwartzberg-Grati

( for those who could use a little help here, highlight the above link by moving your cursor to the left end, hold down the left key on your mouse and drag the cursor right to the right end, then let off the button, place your cursor in the highlighted area and right click on your mouse, then scroll down and left click "open URL").

To my friends I know and cherish, and to those I have not yet met, enjoy!

mornin' has broken....

     I can hear the rain on my window; a gentle relaxing kind of rain.  I am feeling content on this day, glad to be me, happy to be alive.  I love mornings like this.  There is nothing that has to be done today, nothing except be me.  On days like this I can't help but to reflect on the abundance in my life; my family, my friends, my animal companions.  Even my old truck (which now starts right up and purrs like a kitten, thank you!) makes my heart glad.  I think there is a difference between appreciating the gifts one receives from the universe and coveting what one does not have.  I really wanted to get that camera the other day.  I decided that I would buy a lottery ticket.  The old "if it's meant to be" routine.  Well, I guess it wasn't meant to be.  I even offered a real low ball price, again with the "if it's meant to be" thing going.  No to that as well.  You know what, I'm good with that!  I realize I have a tendency to get fixated on things.  My wife says I'm like a bull dog; I latch on and won't let go!  I think she's right.  I believe there are times when it is wise to be persistent, but I must admit that I frequently go beyond that point.  That really is something that I need to work on.  Put it on the list!
     I must admit that at times I have thoughts that are not that conducive to a right mind.  The other day I was reflecting on how it seems the people who really could use money seem to have such a difficult time obtaining it while those that appear to be without want or need seem to have money constantly falling in their lap.  I'm sure there is a good reason for this.  Maybe the lesson is .....  I guess we each need to fill in the blank for ourselves.  The bottom line, at least for me, is that I always seem to have what I need.  Forget the camera!
     Speaking of cameras, I'll be getting my darkroom cleaned out today.  I've been using it as a storeroom since my truck has been hogging the shop area.  Now that my truck is back out in the world, my darkroom will once more resort back to it's intended function.  I'm deciding whether to pursue my original line of technique with film and printing with gel silver paper, or attempting to learn the wet plate technique.  I have my 4X5 Graphic View camera.  The format is a bit small for wet plate, especially if I do positive plates, but it would be a good way to learn the technique.  I'll have to give this some thought.
     Now that my truck is basically done, I need to get my life organized.  There are things I really would like to be doing, but haven't been.  I haven't run much since the marathon, I need to start working out on the Total Gym to be in shape for my trip this summer, and I want to spend time practicing art and guitar.  Most important of all, I need to spend time daily in my "room", meditating and journeying.  I really must make this happen.  I feel I just need to get over the hump of the initial timing.
     Anyway, it's a beautiful morning, and I'm me, so all is well in my world!

a brief note for the gearheads...

It lives!  After much concern, my engine roared to life today for the first time in 5 years.  It was an uphill battle, and much remains to be done, but I actually drove the beast around the neighborhood.  I wasn't sure for a while.  First, it wouldn't turn over.  I checked things and all looked okay.  Then I remembered that I had put in new clutch hydraulics.  Maybe the clutch interlock switch wasn't being activated because the adjustment was off.  I clamped a small ViseGrip onto the switch shaft to shorten the action, and it did the trick;  the engine would turn over.  Yes!  But it wouldn't start.  So I got out my test meter and started tracing the circuit.  I had replaced the rotor because the old one had come loose inside the cap, so I thought this might be the problem.  I checked and verified that I had power to the distributor, but a timing light showed I wasn't getting any high voltage to the secondary side.  So I went up and purchased a rebuilt distributor, put it in, and it worked.  The engine started right up like I just had it running yesterday.  Kicked the fast idle down and had a nice smooth idle.  See, it is worth stabilizing the gasoline before storage.  So now all the big stuff is done.  I have to put some more bolts in the bodywork and install the hood, grille and front bumper, but this is just wrench time.  Come spring I'll paint it, install a new dash pad (once I decide if I'm going to install AC or not), re-do the windows and install power operation to same.  I definitely need to get the front end aligned, but that will have to wait for proper registration.  It's definitely been a long time coming!

the "out of reach candy"

I'm currently re-reading a book by Herman Hesse entitled "Narcissus and Goldmund".  It is a powerful story, one that stimulates much introspection on my part.  For those brave souls of the 70's, Herman Hesse was primariky known for his book "Sidhartha".  Anyway, as I read the story I find myself contemplating the makeup of me and the ramifications of early paths.  I am a person who has been gifted with a very high mechanical IQ.  I have always enjoyed finding how things work, what makes the clock tick.  I spent many a gleeful hour tearing into everything from radios and TVs to motorcycles, lawn mowers, and of course, old cars.  The result is that I can fix just about anything.  In addition to mechanics, I have some level of skill at carpentry, electricity and electronics and plumbing.  Generally, if I can take it apart and have access to parts I can fix it.  This is all left brain stuff.  But now I find myself being drawn to right brain endeavors.  I find myself studying shamanism, REIKI and other forms of energy healing, herbalism and acupressure and red light therapy.  I am attempting to do meditation and yoga.  These things are all so foreign to my comfort zone.  So I ask myself "why"?  Do I desire these things for what they are?  Is my path leading towards healing and spiritual awakening?  Or is this another challenge; something I have not achieved some level of competence in previously?  If given the choice of working on something with my hands, something "tangible", or meditating, I will gravitate towards the physical every time.  So I wonder, why is this?  I realize this is part of the journey of self awareness, of discovery of what makes me me, but why am I me?  I believe part of it is that I like the instant gratification of a "hands on" job.  The lamp that now lights where previously darkness was its only offering has a pleasant feel.  I look at it and I know I have accomplished something.  The right brain stuff is far more subtle.  I do shamanism and I believe things are happening, but I have nothing to examine on my workbench.  I meditate and feel the benefit of the effort, but I can't hold any result in my hand.  So how do I judge accomplishment?  Maybe this is the gist of the matter, the bottom line.  Maybe trusting in my "inner self" to provide the knowledge of accomplishment is the lesson.  Or, maybe the lesson is that one doesn't really need the "trophy" at all.  Does measuring accomplishment require judgement?  To measure something, I believe there needs to be something to measure against, to compare to.  Maybe my lesson here is not how the meditation goes, or what results I achieve in my shamanic journey, but the satisfaction of doing without the required measurable result.  I know that I have a history of running to my left brain when I feel insecure.  I tend to have phases where I will concentrate heavily on my spiritual "stuff", then run to my physical to feel the achievement.  But it seems like my time in the right brain is getting longer.  Maybe I am beginning to see this new side of me as a real part of me.  Maybe my comfort zone is expanding?  I am looking forward to my trip to Alaska this coming summer.  Seven or eight weeks of solitude, just me and my motorcycle, may be just the prescription I seek.  Okay, I can do that.

It lives! (almost)

What a red letter day!  First, a warning: the following will probably only be of interest to gear heads and car nuts.  You have been forewarned.  So, let me tell you about my truck named "Smaug".  Back in 1986 I special ordered a Chevrolet C-30 (1 ton) 2 wheel drive pick up truck for my wife to use for towing her horse trailer.  Fast forward 200,000 miles and I had the engine and transmission rebuilt.  Then at about 280,000 miles I retired my truck and purchased a new 4 wheel drive truck for my wife to use.  What to do with my old truck?  Old Chevy trucks were a dime a dozen, so he wasn't worth much to sell.  I've always wanted to build a street rod but never had the money to do it.  So, I decided I would satisfy my itch to build something by rebuilding my truck.  Here's the catch.  I've always liked the styling of the 1/2 ton (light duty) short wheelbase step side pick ups, but thought it silly to have such a limited use truck.  One half ton was meaningless; you may as well have a car!  So, I decided to build my own "very limited production" truck, as in I probably have the only one in the world!  Basically, what I've done over the last five years is to cut and re-weld the frame to shorten my long bed truck to short bed, convert the big heavy drum brakes to discs in the rear, move the side mounted gas tank to the rear and calculate the myriad of detail alterations to make it all work.  In accomplishing this, I have all new suspension, steering, brakes and fuel system.  Let me say this is anything but stock!  I've had to "do the empirical experiment" to not only make things work properly, but know what parts to use.  Auto Zone just wants the year, make and model for parts look-up.  I get a lot of very strange looks when trying to purchase parts!  For example, do you know how many parts books describe the length and end fittings on their emergency brake cables?  Try "0".  Anyway, today I moved my truck back out of the shop for final assembly and testing.  I put the front clip (front sheet metal) back on this morning so I can mount my new radiator and fill with coolant.  Then comes the big start-up!  Now, this engine has been sitting for five years.  I did turn it by hand periodically to relieve the pressure on the valve springs, but that's essentially it.  I prepared it for restart by pulling the oil pan and cleaning it and pulling the distributor so I could turn the oil pump with a drill to pre-circulate the oil.  I also pulled the valve covers to clean them and verify oil flow out of the rocker arms.  So once I get a functional cooling system, I'll start the engine!  I expect a big cloud of smoke because I had some oil in the cylinders to lube them.  I say I hope it will start because there are many things that could incapacitate an engine while sitting for 5 years.  The main concern is my fuel pump.  The diaphragm could have dry rotted over time and torn.  So anyway, I'm on the home stretch.  I'll let you know what happens!
As an aside, I now have room in my shop to begin the preparation of my bike (motorcycle) for my anticipated ride to Alaska next summer.  But that's another story.

The "I gotta have it" moment....

Wow, I thought I was doing so good getting oriented on my right brain, spiritual self.  No more spontaneous buying for me.  No sir!  Then I saw the camera.  Maybe I better explain.  I've been a "photographer" for over 40 years.  Granted, there are times when I haven't taken a photograph in months, maybe a year or two.  But even when I didn't have the camera in hand, I still was seeing my world through the lens of a camera.  Last weekend I opened my "View Camera" magazine to see an ad for a show in Baltimore exhibiting photographs taken by the wet plate collodion technique.  This was a technique used at the turn of the century (the 19th century!).  I won't go into excessive detail here.  (Those who are interested can do an internet search to find all the detail they desire.)  The point here is that I have long been interested in alternative photography techniques, and here was an opportunity to actually see some excellent examples "live".  To make a long story short, I drove the 100 miles or so to see the exhibit and was not disappointed.  The examples were truly beautiful!  I thought about the experience on the long ride home and, on a lark did a search of "Craig"s List" for large format cameras.   Well, sad to say, up pops an ad for a 8X10 Kodak camera (a camera using 8" X 10" sheet film) placed by the Corps of Engineers in Baltimore.  Wow!  For $2500 you get about $7500 worth of camera, lens and accessories!  Why did I have to see this?  Why did I even look?  Under normal times I may be able to gather together $2500, but not now.  I just ordered a custom seat for my motorcycle and am planning my ride to Alaska this summer, so an added $2500 expense is totally out of the question.  But the point here is that I was ready to pounce on this deal!  All thought of not wanting to get into more debt, all thought of simplifying my life, all thoughts period went right out the window!  I almost ruined my keyboard I was salivating so much!  Oh, it's so easy to fall into the abyss of consumerism!  I could think of nothing else but that camera and the photographs I could produce.  All of the sudden, my life was not complete without that camera.  I was really sucked in!  I mean the circumstances!  Seeing the ad for the show, seeing the photographs, then seeing an ad for a great camera at a fantastic price right up the road.  This had to be fate!  Well, I figure that if it is truly the universe coming together to provide me with a camera, the money will come.  I'll go and buy a lottery ticket today, and if I win $2500, I'll know the camera was meant to be mine.  And, if not, oh well!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I know, it's a little early to be spreading the holiday cheer, but sometimes I just can't hold it in!  I know I have said before how I believe I am truly blessed.  I feel this way with such conviction, how can I not spread the word?  Really, look at this world we live in, the beauty of all that surrounds us!  I mean, how could it get any better?  Seriously, such a blessing!  The sun is shining, the stream is gurgling and the horses are out grazing, cleaning up every morsel of hay.  I have a wife that loves me and puts up with my quirks, a son that I am proud of, and friends that make my life complete.  And I have the companionship of a little dog that thinks I'm perfect!  Can't get much better then this!  I believe that my path is true, and that I am exactly where I should be and who I should be at this point in time.  I am like the flower, beginning to blossom and express the beauty within.  Sounds hokey, but it is what it is.  I feel the effects of my age creeping up on me, but that's okay.  I've earned every one of these aches and pains.  Besides, I see the plight of others and I feel fortunate to be me.  I do feel saddened at times when I see the problems of the world we live in, but I realize that these are problems caused by man.  And, as they are caused by us, they can also be solved by us.  The underlying factor is greed.  Sure, there are a lot of cool things I would like to own, but the things that really matter cannot be bought with money.  In fact, they can't be bought at all, not for all the money in the world.  The things that matter are there for the taking, free for all who reach for them.  So, at this time when we traditionally give thanks, I suggest we use our hearts to feel the love and beauty that surround us, give our friends and loved ones an extra hug, and take the time to really feel the greetings we express.  So to all my friends, I say "thank you", for being you.  You will probably never know of the light you bring to my life, but be assured that I welcome the warmth of your friendship with open arms and an open heart.
 

If only I was a wealthy man....

I read about cool things one can do, if they have a bunch of money.  It must be nice.  Me, I tend to do things on the cheap.  Rather then sign up for a guided motorcycle tour, I strap my camping stuff on the back of my bike and take off for parts unknown.  Rather then enroll in a spiritual retreat, I go into my "spirit room" and shut the door behind me.  I could go on, but that's the gist of the matter.  I find that when I do sign up for a class or workshop, a significant part of the motivation is one of two things.  First, I know me; and I know sometimes I need motivation to do those things I love doing, and I need to do, but are low on the priority list because of "obligations".  If I spend money to take a class, I must get the full measure of the experience by doing my "home work".  Secondly, I love to meet fellow participants, feel the energy and enjoy the experience of shared learning.  I don't want to give the impression that I would not like to be able to do these "costly" events I see advertised.  Far from it.  I'd love to experience the camaraderie of motorcycle trips though distant lands, having the security of the group and of guides who know just where to go and what to see.  Yeah, and I really think I'd enjoy a spiritual workshop with like minded participants in some exotic location, having all of my bodily needs cared for so I could concentrate solely on the spiritual experience.  Pretty cool stuff.  Maybe someday I will be in a position to dip my toe into the group experience pool.  But for now, there is much to be gained from the solo, "budget" experience".  And I am content to follow where my path leads me.  There is a lot to be said for the solo experience of adventure travel.  I find I meet more people and have a far richer experience when I am solo.  Perhaps a lone biker is less of a threat, thus being easier to approach?  Maybe.  Whatever it is, it works.  As far as my spiritual path, I realize there is still much that I can do, probably must do, in a solo environment.  I find I have just scratched the surface of the accumulated junk I have gathered over the years.  And here is where the two experiences combine.  I find traveling solo on a motorcycle is a great way to have the conversation with one's self.  Many hours sitting on the bike could be otherwise quite boring.  Besides, I have a captive audience!

But sir, it's a holiday...

I've been running around today coming to a decision on a seat (saddle!) for my motorcycle.  I made the decision, packaged my old saddle up (to have it modified for me) and ran up to the UPS store to ship it out.  On the way, I got miffed cause the guy (or girl) at the front of the line of traffic at the traffic light didn't go when the light turned green.  Honked my horn lightly, then a little harder.  Nothing!  So I pulled around him (or her) and pulled out to see a cop in the middle of the road stopping traffic for a parade or funeral or something.  I felt like such an idiot!  On my behalf, the place where the cop stopped was completely hidden from my view, but still....  Sometimes I need to act like a real fool in order to get grounded again, I guess.  Anyway, I can imagine the people in the cars ahead saying "look at that jerk, Hon".  Yep, one of those days!  Finally made it across the intersection to Staples, hauled my box in being grateful that I had made it up in time for the package to go out today, just to be reminded that this is a holiday, so apparently there is no package pick up today.  I don't quite understand this, because I saw several UPS trucks out making deliveries, but that is what I was told.  Oh well!
But this is a very special day, even if I did forget it is a holiday in my haste to ship my package.  This is the day we remember our soldiers who have given of themselves to fight for what they believe in.  I couldn't go in the service because of my speech impediment, but I have many friends who did.  Far too many came back in a box.  Makes me wonder.  Do we really know why our troops are in harms way?  I mean, we are told many stories, but can we rely on the integrity of our politicians?  Or our military officers?  I must say that lately I find myself looking at or listening to our politicians and asking "is this really the best we can do"?  I listen to the rhetoric and am amazed at the level of dishonesty.  This is on both sides of the aisle, so don't think I'm getting ready to go political.  I worked on a military base for nearly 20 years, and was exposed to the ugly dregs of our military establishment.  Don't get me wrong, there are many fine soldiers in our military.  Sadly, these are generally the ones that get booted out for thinking too much.  I hear people talk about how Bush lied about the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but I believed they were there.  I was told we were there to set up a democracy to demonstrate freedom to the other countries in the area.  This may have worked, but are the countries that have been liberated from the tyranny of dictators going to be any better off, or are they going to come under the domination of extremist religious clerics?  Then I hear Obama decide he's pulling our soldiers out of Afghanistan after saying that that is the fight we really need to win.  Really?  If we are going to fight wars based on politics and pole numbers, maybe we should stay home.  It's bad enough losing our troops in a foreign land, but at least make it of some lasting value!  Maybe I'm getting old, but it all seems so very complicated now.  I guess I'd feel better if I could believe that I was getting the true story. but I do not believe this is the case.  I see all those crosses in the cemetery, and I ask "why"?
Anyway, on a brighter note, I am optimistic that my new saddle will solve my pain issue when riding my motorcycle.  I must learn the lyrics to "North to Alaska"!  June will be here before I know it.  There's much planning to be done.  I must get my gear in order.  I promise to try to be more upbeat in my musings.  I'll discuss what equipment I have for my trip and the rational of its choice.   Then I'll talk about my route.  Exciting, huh?

Interesting stuff

Out of curiosity I checked the stats of my blog today.  It's nice to know if anyone besides my wife Molly is reading any of this, not that I would stop writing if there was no interest.  I am a very open person with few secrets, so I enjoy putting myself in the spotlight.  Maybe I am a verbal exhibitionist?  Interesting concept.  What struck me as interesting in my stats is that apparently the lack of domestic interest is compensated for with an international following!  Really!  Apparently, if one can believe the stats, I have one U.S. reader, 7 friends in Russia, one in Germany, one in Italy and one in Brazil.  How cool is that?!  Now these stats do not include my wife who is a loyal follower.  (The computer does not count hits from the home computer.)  So I think I know who my follower is locally, but I am perplexed at the interest from the international community.  I must say that if I had my druthers, I do enjoy the international interest.  But why?  To you folks not of the U.S.A, how did you come across my blog?  Is this the kind of content that interests you?  I really would enjoy feedback to know I am on the "right track", so to speak.  This is not to say I will ever consciously allow another to influence the content of my blog.  I do have a rather wide array of thoughts and ideas on a number of subjects and little inhibition about sharing.  So, how about some feedback?  I plan on addressing some touchy subjects in the near future.  These may include my views on God and religion, sex, inter-human relationships, shamanism and energy healing and ghosts and spirits as well as lighter and less controversial subjects such as traveling by motorcycle and the benefits of same, physical and mental preparation for a long trip via motorcycle, and photography and art.  I will readily admit that my ideas are frequently not mainstream and have raised more then one eyebrow, but I base these ideas more on my personal life experience then social mandate.  I initiated this blog to try and instigate more of a conversation then monolog.  So anybody going to step up to the keyboard?  If there is a shyness issue, I can receive personal messaging via hflphoto@aol.com.  I do ask that you include "blog response" on the subject line so I know it is not spam.  I'm waiting!

Another beautiful day....

Wow, what a day!  I am so fortunate to be who I am, where I am and when I am.  I live in a world filled with beauty, and with ugly; it is totally MY choice what I see.  I am so blessed to be able to realize this while I am still able to have it make a difference.  I remember back in the late 70's I worked in a hospital as a respiratory therapist (called "inhalation therapist" back in the old days :) ).  Most of my patients were elderly as we didn't have hospices back then.  When one's time in this phase of our life was almost at end, the elderly would typically be stuck in a hospital to wilt away.  And I would have them as patients.  I am blessed to have had this experience.  It was sad in a way, but very good for me to relate to these people.  Amazingly enough, I seldom heard anyone express a fear of death.  All too often, they would lament the realization that they had never lived!  They would be lying in a bed in a small room smelling of those smells one associates with hospitals and facing the glaring memory of all those things they planned to do, but never got around to doing.  Their dreams laid in a pile on the hospital room floor like a pile of discarded dirty laundry.  This was a valuable lesson for me.  I made the decision, the promise to my self, that I would not put off my dreams until another day.  My goal was to try to live each day as if it were my last.  I've not always been able to do this, but it is that high water mark I strive to achieve.  And, I've found that far more often then not, the reason for putting off an experience was a way of experiencing something else more meaningful.  Now, as I approach the age where I may soon be forced to accept the reality of "oldness", I am tempted to sit back, relax and take the easy way, the slow way, the relaxing way.  But then I think back to those patients, many of whom became dear friends, and I am instilled with a new energy.  I see my world through the wondrous eyes of a child again.  The self imposed limits fall by the wayside and I dream once more of far away places and of people not yet met, friendships not yet made, and fireside conversations going far into the night.  Yes, I am truly blessed with a life of such wondrous abundance.  Why me?  Why am I blessed?  I certainly have done nothing to deserve this.  No, I just choose to see it!  I open my eyes to the gifts before me, and I feel the love of my Creator.  Wow, what a day!

Yes, it's okay...

Another cloudy, winterish morning.  Absolutely beautiful!  As is probably apparent, I am out of my fog and feeling much better today.  Actually, my less then perky self was blasted back to it's optimism by another great time in my drawing class yesterday afternoon.  While there is an amazingly long path ahead, I can actually start to see some progress in my drawing.  Between my lovely drawing teacher (that would be you, Judy) and my dear friend Mark I am getting an influx of critique that is extremely helpful.  To these fine teachers, and to my classmates whose ideas and comments are of great help, I am most thankful!  I also found out that my son will still be covered by our health and car insurance policies if he finds himself continuing his education for a bit longer then we had expected.  Then again, why should I be surprised that he is taking so long for his education.  I forget (conveniently) that I was a student for so many years.  Anyway, now I do feel better about things of the education persuasion.  I also decided that whatever happens, I will go on a trip this summer.  If not Alaska, then somewhere in the lower 48.  It is so interesting how I truly believe in my heart of hearts that all is for the best if I just go with the flow, but my knee-jerk reaction is still one of "oh no, the sky is falling"!  So I will continue with my trip plans.  No matter where I go, the bike still needs to be prepared.  A good winter project.  It was my intention to use the V-Strom (motorcycle) to go to Alaska.  If it turns out that that is not in the cards for this year, I might go to plan "B" and sell it to purchase an older BMW motorcycle.  I like working on my bikes, but the V-Strom is truly a pain in the butt to do any but the most minor maintenance.  I consider selling the V-Strom because I believe that if Alaska is not in the cards for this year I think I will be giving up on the idea.  I could still take an old BMW to Alaska, but I don't think I'd want to take it on the gnarly back roads of Alaska that I had intended to take the V-Strom.  But, one never knows, do they?
The weather dude is forecasting some fine weather for next week, so it may be time to grab the paint brush and pretty-up the barn.  Then maybe some stain on the house, shampooing the carpets......  Yeah, I feel better.  Now to go work on my old truck.

Argh!

Wow, I feel so overwhelmed today.  So, word to the wise, in the words of the wicked witch of the West (or East?  I can never remember!), "I'd turn back if I were you"!  The financial crap is getting deep, and I feel like I have to carry the weight of so many others.  I know this is not really true, and I am exaggerating, but I am writing about what I feel, not what is necessarily true.  And I realize I am far better off then so many others.  But, I feel what I feel.  So, I think the old snowball thing is happening here.  It started when we had snow so early in the season, then all the mud that I want to fix, but I need to buy gravel and get the energy to dig out the glop, then the realization that if the barn is to be painted and the house stained, it will fall on me to do it.  I look around and all I see are all the things that need doing, and I just don't have the energy or the motivation to do them.  This is not to put blame on anyone else, mind you, because I know things are not exactly great with those whom I counted on to help with this, and to be fair they have done a lot of the work.  But, this is about how I feel, not about reality.  Then when I think we might get help with our mortgage, I find that the "help" out there doesn't seem to be intended for those of us who have been working to stay above water in a sinking ship.  I find that while the powers that be claim housing has lost about 30% of it's previous value, my house has apparently lost about 55-60% because of low ball appraisals and comps that don't reflect the actual selling potential of the house.  Then, to top things off, my son will probably have to be in college again for the fall semester because the 2 classes he needs to graduate are offered at the same time in the spring.  So, all his plans will apparently be on hold, and he will be without health insurance as of March.  I feel bad for him because I know how hard he has worked to get to where he is.  So, bottom line is I really do not know if I will be able to  take my trip to Alaska after all.  I really do not see how I can spend the money on this trip, knowing that a good bit will end up on the credit card.  So, I feel overwhelmed today.  I see all my plans sinking into the goop that is our paddock.  But maybe this is exactly how things should be.  Maybe I need to have the physical world get so depressing that I run to the spirit world as an escape.  I know this is not the best way to make the transition, but sometimes we must take what is laid on our plate and be grateful.  I know later I will feel far more optimistic, but I felt I wanted to write about all the feelings, not just the pretty ones.  Just getting this out has already helped my state of mind.  See, things are not all that bad.....  

a convoluted path....

I guess winter is here, or very close.  A heavy, wet snow fell on Saturday leaving many trees minus a few branches.  We lost power for a short time, but not too bad really.  Winter is a difficult time for me generally.  I'm not sure why, but it is.  Maybe it's the short daylight, maybe the cold.  Whatever it is, I am effected by it in a heavy way.  I find motivation becomes difficult and I am consumed with a sadness that seems to penetrate my bones.  Don't get me wrong, it is not a continual overwhelming condition, but it is there.  I think I am in a period of change.  I miss things that have been a part of my life in the past, but have not yet identified suitable replacements.  I know that things change, and I accept that I must let go of memories, being thankful for the beauty.  I know where I am headed, at least I believe I do.  It's just that I haven't gotten there yet.  But this is a good thing.  When I feel this way, I get very introspective.  This is the time of renewal, a time of taking stock of my life and facing an honesty that is quite extreme.  Yeah.  I do receive valuable insight into my being, however.  And this is good.  It's just that so much of my identity has come from things that I realize are moving into my past.  My identity is becoming an empty page, ready to receive the words of a new chapter.  Scary, yes, but full of potential.  Isn't this what life is; a continual time of change, of growth?  I believe my core being is moving from a physical center to a spiritual center.  I have always had a spiritual part, but this is different.  Far different.  I anticipate my spiritual self becoming the center, dominant part of my self, my Being of being as Heidegger put it.  Am I excited by the prospect?  Yes.  Am I frightened?  I think so, but in a good way.  I think maybe my lack of motivation, my fear, may be a reluctance to abandon that part of me that I have always known as me.  In the past, I had a physical representation of who is me.  That is rapidly fading.  I find my spiritual self is facing the reality that my "self" is in fact a figment of my imagination.  There is no spiritual "me", per say.  The self is part of a total entity that encompasses all.  Sounds cool, but how does one grasp this?  It's like trying to grab smoke.  I know what I need to do.  Why is it so difficult to do it?  Again, I fall back on the realization that acceptance of this movement is abandonment of the past, and of a self that has provided comfort to me for most of my life.  So, I am taking baby steps forward.  I am dipping my toes into the pool of life at an entirely different level.  The deep end.  And, at some point, I know I must make the plunge.  But, I do know how to swim.  Yes, this will be an interesting year ahead.