Running man

The night before the race.  The weather forecast is not good.  They say the day will be cold and windy with about a 50% probability of showers......HOW COOL IS THAT!!??  Know what, I really do not care.  I will be standing on that starting line at 0700, and if the weather is too bad, I might just be the only one there.  If so, I might have a chance of winning!  Seriously, I began this journey in February and have had to contend with a really bad cough, hives, really hot weather, bad air quality, a sore rotator cuff and mashed potatoes for lungs.  I am not going to let a little inclement weather stop me now.  Well, I hope not.  Actually, I know that things will be perfect for me tomorrow.  So there!

A very good friend of mine shared some perfect prayers with me yesterday.  She said that her friend only had two prayers; when she begins her day she prays "whatever", and when her day ends, she prays "oh well!"  That really sums things up, doesn't it!  When I awaken tomorrow morning for the race, my prayer to my Creator will be "whatever".  I like that.

Bah, Humbug!

Weather sucks!  I am feeling depressed this morning.  The weather forecast for the big race is looking bleaker by the minute, it seems.  It has gone from predicting a perfect sunny cool day earlier this week to 42 degrees and showers.  Yuck!  See, this is what I mean by expectations.  I had decided what my day should, would look like, and now I am letting the possibility of change have a decidedly negative effect on my time now, this moment.  Why?  First of all, what's the big deal?  The worst case scenario is that it is a cold, rainy day and I don't run.  Or maybe a cold, rainy day and I do run.  So what?  I have the choice, and the decision is not life threatening.  My feeling of depression isn't because I might not run in the race, but that the weather isn't meeting my expectations.  How dare that weather to be so insolent!  But worse then having an affect on my race plans, the deflated expectations are having a negative affect on my time now, this moment.  My worry over what may or may not happen in the future is robbing me of my present.  Let me repeat that for proper emphasis:  MY WORRY OVER WHAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE IS ROBBING ME OF MY PRESENT!  And this is not someone else sneaking stealthily in the shadows stealing my present, this is me, of my own free will.  I am so pleased that I am now aware of this crime.  When aware, I can change my outlook and prevent this thievery.  Sure, the weather may suck on Saturday, and it may cause me to alter my decisions about the race.  Or, it may not.  Whatever will happen has no effect on now.  None whatsoever.  I could make the statements that oh, it could be worse, or that others have it so much worse, or even that there are others that would love to have the rain, but why?  It really does not matter.  No, what matters is NOW, the moment.  There is a book by a guru, I believe, that I read in the 70's called "Be Here Now".  Surprisingly, I saw it on the shelf in one of the local bookstores recently.  The book contains little fragments of wisdom wrapped in onion statements.  You know, statements that keep unraveling with deeper meanings the more you reflect upon them.  I'm not putting it down, mind you.  In fact, I recommend it if you have not yet experienced it.  But the main point here is the title.  "Be Here Now".  How cool is that?  If I have a mantra, this must be it.  And when I take the time to realize (remember that word!) that I am not in the moment, and that I am allowing, and in fact encouraging, the future possibility to dominate my present, I can recite my mantra and be back to the moment.  The issue, it seems, is to be aware of myself, of where my mind is taking me, and be prepared to reign it in.  The only reality I have is NOW.

Four days and counting

Four days until Saturday, October 1st, 2011.  Pretty much twenty years since I last felt this inner excitement of an upcoming race.  I have been under the assumption that the underlying reasoning is far different this time, but maybe not as different as I thought.  My excitement now is in anticipation of testing myself again after all these years.  For so long now I believe I have been in a victim mentality in that my inner testing has been asking the question "how bad off am I this week"?   Now I find myself asking "how fast can I run, how far"?  I am looking at things from the opposite perspective; not how low are things, but how high.  Instead of looking at the glass to see how low the water level is, I am now asking how near the top the water is. This is a big change.  I've heard it said that our thoughts create our attitude, our attitude our actions, and our actions our character.  I probably screwed that up, but you get the gist of the idea.  If I am looking at things from the perspective of a victim, I see things from the point of view of "what will go wrong next".  I am expecting the negative, so that is what I create by recognition.  In other words, when I go in a store, I see only some of what is there.  If I go back for a second look, I find there are things I never took notice of the first time through.  There is information overload, so I choose what information I accept into my reality.  The same type deal occurs with my consciousness.  I can only take notice of a limited amount.  So, do I notice the things that are uplifting, that will bring gratitude and joy, or do I choose those things that will confirm that life truly does suck?  To be honest, I probably can argue that I had cause to have a negative perspective.  The realization that I spent more time in school preparing to do a job then I actually spent doing that job is bothersome.  I'm not saying that a negative perspective is bad.  Sometimes I probably needed to wallow in that reality to accomplish whatever needed to be done to be able to move on to bigger and better things.  That's cool, but enough is enough!  It is far more comfortable for me to continue to wallow and place blame anywhere but on me then it is to stand up and say "okay, that didn't work well, so what's next"?  The difficult part is that this isn't a one time decision for me.  I must constantly reaffirm that perspective every day, in every experience.  So there is sort of a learning curve I guess.  I am hoping that it gets a little easier as time goes on.  The take home message for me is that I have a pretty cool life.  I have the opportunity to do good things, maybe even a great thing here and there.  My job is that I have to work to be in that state of mind to take advantage of these opportunities.  Oh, and by the way, I ran a shorter run yesterday of about 2.5 miles, but I ran hard.  I pushed the envelope, and I feel good.  I accept that the scar tissue in my lungs is going to have an effect on my physical capabilities, but that's okay.  I can run.    

A Blessing....

I received the following email today and felt like it certainly was in need of sharing.  I might not be able to express myself so eloquently, but I can readily pass on the beauty gained from others.  For those interested, the link is as follows  WWW.ANGELAPEREGOFF.COM 

Enjoy!

Lately I have counseled several people who were quite discouraged (removed from their courage) by the greed, violence, and destruction going down on the planet these days. Depression currently exists in epidemic proportions and many of us have lost our hope and vision for humanity. I have not. I have discovered something that gets me bouncing me out of bed in the morning without a need for caffeine and fills me with joy and enthusiasm all day long. It's a safe and natural alternative to Prozac. It gets me up, inspired and ready for action, 24/7. Its potency is off the charts, and now so is mine. It's not a pill, however. It's a point of view. My point of perception is that I am an honorable member of God's Reconstruction Team, here on a lifelong mission to penetrate the world with love. That's my viewpoint, and I'm sticking to it. I used to worry that it was arrogant, and that I was suffering from delusions of grandeur. Then I immersed myself in the study of Science of Mind, which points out, ". . . the greatest treasures are paid out when we let go and trust in the law of good." Now I understand that I am actually recovering from delusions of impotence! In my younger days I lived in a section of town by a well-traveled road. One winter day we experienced an unexpected and unusual snow storm; the cars right outside my home were gridlocked for many hours, not moving an inch. This was before the days of cell phones and laptops, and the drivers had plenty of time on their hands. I left the shelter of my house to observe the variety of responses to their situation. Some spent the entire time grumbling their grievances, stressing the stress of their missed appointments, clutching their powerless steering wheels, never accepting, and always at war with their predicament. Others surrendered, getting out of their cars to meet their new neighbors, making the best of things, laughing together at their shared helplessness. Children got out and played in the snow - a treasured playground. A few people went from car to car to take orders for coffee and snacks. They braved the elements to walk an eighth of a mile up the road to the 7/11, and then graciously delivered the goods to their fellow stranded motorists. I noticed the ones choosing to serve were enthusiastic and happy. The external temperature didn't bring down their internal thermometer. They got it up for life, radiating the warmth of their love, and dispelling the frigidity around them. The day the Twin Towers went down I was glued to the television, like so many of us, trembling and weeping for our world. Later in the afternoon I wrenched myself away from the small screen and tried to tune into the bigger picture. After some moments in the silence I heard my inner guidance say, "This event is an evolutionary quickening, bringing about an increase of both the dark and the light. Be of good courage. You came here for these times. Despite the tumult, the choice before everyone remains abundantly simple and abundantly clear: love or fear. The media will mostly report and distort the reasons to fear, supplying the drugs for those with an adrenaline habit. Don't go there, and don't curse those who still believe that attack will make them safe. Light your candle and find others who are illuminating the earth with love. Focus on the building of a new consciousness and a new world, even as the old one stumbles and falls. Be a stand for personal and planetary healing and you will live in the warmth of your loving, no matter how frigid the climate around you." This is not summer vacation time on classroom earth. The curriculum is demanding, the lessons intense. The most fearful and aggressive people seem to have the most power. Certainly they have the most volume, being given a large megaphone by the media. Is cheerfulness synonymous with denial these days? Are hope and optimism opiates for those with a lack of intelligence and an abundance of naiveté? Will the meek really inherit the earth, and if so, where are they hiding? Johnny Mathis once recorded a ballad called "Choose Love" - was he delivering a bigger message? Humanity is at a fork in the road. What will we choose as a species? We've got some pretty big toys that can blow each other up in an afternoon. If we don't raise our emotional maturity to match our advances in technology we might not be around much longer. Everybody on earth is aware of that on some level. We know the stakes are high. It's easy to lose heart, or to close the heart to protect it from the rawness of grief and pain. But as Yoda said to Anakin in the last Star Wars movie, "The fear of loss is a sure path to the dark side." Anakin's refusal to experience loss and face his grief led to the construction of Darth Vader: a black mask and armoring around his true self. Take heart, fellow Jedi's. It's an honor to serve, and even our tears are a part of our contribution, so long as they do not come from believing we are powerless. Let's revel in what we can do. We can do small things with great love each day, letting go of any attachment to an outcome. Was Martin Luther King discouraged because he might not see his dream manifest in his lifetime? I don't think so. Planting the seeds and growing a dream is fulfilling in and of itself. It is a joy to serve God, but it is very stressful to play God. I'm sure you've all heard the story of a man who encounters a lady on the beach. She is picking up starfish one by one and throwing them back into the ocean after a storm had dumped hundreds of them onto the shore. Her behavior is disturbing to him, as it holds up a mirror to his feelings of impotency. "Look around you. How can you feel what you're doing matters, saving just a few, in the face of such overwhelming tragedy?" "It mattered to that one," she replies as she happily tosses another starfish into the sea. To curse the darkness when you could be lighting a candle (or saving a starfish) is quite a waste of vital life energy. To put it bluntly, it's time for all of us to get it up - for God, each other, and our planet. It may be our darkest hour, but some of us can see dawn coming, and there's definitely something beautiful on the horizon - a new world waiting to be conceived and birthed. Your heat, your potency, your hands and heart are needed. And it is quite a pleasure to serve.

BLESSING:   I know that there is One Infinite Power, One Spirit, and One Life. That life is right within me now; I am intimately connected to spirit's power, and I can use it by setting my intentions with care and consciousness. This universe responds to me in kind, so I am always mindful of how I'm thinking about myself, about other people, about everything! I choose to think in ways that support the kind of world I desire. I think in ways that  nurture and support me while establishing a new compassion and Light in the world. My actions welcome more love, rather than shutting it out. All exchanges and relationships with others expands universal consciousness, rather than snuffing out the light. All my exchanges create a greater embodiment of Oneness for all mankind.  I know that what I pay attention to, I become. So I make sure that I am attending to whatever it is I want to increase in my life. Whenever I notice myself thinking and choosing in ways that support  littleness, that support restriction, I stop and think again. I can choose how to think, and I do this right now by setting a clear and powerful intention, powered by the spiritual laws of this universe, that I am always at the helm of my life, always choosing nurturing and supportive ways of thought, word, and deed. And the natural result is a life that is supportive, supplied, and absolutely wonderful. I give thanks for this inherent power that is in me and in all beings. And I let it unfold with grace and gratitude. And so it is.

The way of things

When I built my house, I designed the downstairs bathroom to be large enough to fit a 5 person spa (hot tub).  This spa stayed in my bathroom for over fifteen years functioning perfectly.  When I began my practice of shamanism and REIKI, I felt the desire for a place in my home that would provide peace and seclusion, a place to be in gentle touch with my spirit.  At the time, I really had no idea where I could achieve this desire.  I had considered my darkroom, but the feeling was that I would be using that space again in my future path.  About that time, I discovered that my spa had developed a leak.  Much to my dismay, I was never able to determine the source of this problem.  Finally, I decided that I had had enough mopping of floors and made the decision to move the spa outdoors where a small leak would not be a problem.  Amazingly, the removal of the tub provided the perfect location to segregate space with a wall to produce a nice walk in closet/ spirit room.  To no surprise, I have discovered that the persistent leak has now stopped leaking! Odd how things like this happen.  Upon reflection I realize that this sort of thing happens often in my life.  Occurrences that are such a pain in the wazoo are shown to be more like signposts, providing guidance along my path of life.  Still, it seems like I am always pleasantly surprised when this type of discovery is made.

Last run

Yesterday I ran my last major practice run before the race.  I ran 8 miles around the neighborhood with it's many hills.  I was pleased at my ability to run up hills that not long ago would have required a walking pace.  I feel as ready for this challenge as I am capable of being.  But, I was reminded of the weaknesses I now must accept.  Smoke from burning brush and wood stoves has the ability of reducing my efforts to a feeble ghostly image of past glory.  I realize that while I am able to achieve acts of physical marvel, at least for one my age, I am teetering on a total crash of potential by the most seemingly insignificant encounter with chemicals whose identity I don't even know any more.  My sole sensitivity to formaldehyde has spread to others such as glutaraldehyde,  nitrates and nitrites, MSG and others not yet identified.  It is a bit disconcerting to realize that all these months of preparation could be made totally non relevant by a chance encounter with the whiff of a perfume, the incorrect choice of an entree in a restaurant or the chance encounter with the smoke from a neighbors fireplace.  But is this not unlike life itself.  How much of my life is dependent upon chance encounters and opportunities often missed.  I think of life as a source of lessons presented to aid me in my growth to the potential imagined by my Creator at my conception.  I wonder how many opportunities have been missed, how many lessons passed by unrecognized?  But, like the training for this race, I feel the obligation to seek these lessons whenever and however they may be presented.  And, like the smoke from the unseen pile of burning brush,  my efforts are always hinged so delicately on the factor of chance.  Will I be of right mind when the opportunity arrises?  Will I recognize the lesson at hand?  The beauty of it all is that my Creator sees all of this in me and presents these opportunities over and over knowing that eventually I will be at that right place and there at that right time.  I am thankful that my Creator has such patience with me.

It's not about the hair

I practice natural horsemanship.  My horse Joe in the years that we were together taught me more about myself then I could ever have imagined.  But this is not about that.  Linda Parelli, wife of head horsemanship guru Pat Parelli once said to a student who was having difficulties loading her horse "it's not about the trailer".  What I believe she meant was that if the relationship is there, the task doesn't matter.  In a recent blog I talked about the reaction of some of my friends to how I choose to have my hair.  In that comment I stated that I cannot understand why these friends exhibited this lack of tolerance.  This has been bothering me ever since I posted that thought.  Today, it suddenly struck me as to reason for my concern about that statement.  It's not about the tolerance, or lack thereof.  Like Linda says, it's about the relationship.  A dear friend of mine a while back opened a door to my relationships that I had never really considered; the world of expectations.  It seems that I am guilty of laying ground rules for my relationships that provide me with the bounds of what I expect that person to be.  And this doesn't limit itself to just "friends".  In all aspects of my relationships with other entities of my world, I lay out the rules.  When I am driving and someone doesn't perform the way I expected, I get aggravated (read pissed off!) because he/she cannot drive.  What I am really saying is that that persons driving skills do not meet my expectations.  When my picnic is rained upon, the weather does not meet my expectations.When I am working on my old truck, well, you get the idea.  Although it shows up in all areas of my life, it manifests itself most predominantly in the relationships of those closest to me.  I guess this is because this is where I perceive myself to be most vulnerable.  I wonder why this is?  Is it because I am lacking in confidence in myself to address the "bumps" in perspective which are the foundation of one's behavior?  What a dilemma.  I want/need the affections of those closest to me, in fact all those I interact with to some level, but so often I seem to not be able to accept the manner in which they choose to express that affection.  I have my preconceived notions of how my loved ones will react to my expressions of love, and heaven help them if they don't comply!  Is this because I need verification of who I am?  I have heard it said that I base my image of self on the image I perceive my peers have of me.  But I've also heard it said that what another feels/thinks about me is none of my business.  I know this to be true, yet my concern is still there in the shadows, rearing its ugly head, comparing the results of the interaction to my expectations.  

To run, or not...

Tuesday I ran on the Towpath.  I kept my pace slow to keep my heart rate in my "target zone" of about 125 bpm.  I ran 21 miles.  I ran for 5 hours.  Slowly.  My feet hurt.  On my ride home I was faced with the big question.  Do I want to run the marathon?  Do I need to run the marathon?  Maybe I should elaborate.  When I initially made the decision to sign up for this race, my motivation was twofold: to lose weight and to get in the best physical condition that I was able to achieve.  As I previously mentioned, it has been twenty years since my last competition, the Marine Corps Marathon in Washington, DC.  I really had no idea what I was capable of accomplishing, but I knew that the habits of twenty years of sedentary lifestyle were going to be difficult to break.  Why is it that I am so easily manipulated by head games that I play with myself?  It is rather a sad state of affairs.  Anyway, I decided that if I made the financial investment of the entry fee for the marathon, I would feel obligated to make the effort of getting out of the Lazy Boy and working up a sweat.  It worked.  So now, I know that I am capable of doing this race.  It will be slow, but I know I can do it.  I've achieved my goal; I've lost thirty pounds, my resting heart rate went from 63 bpm to 48 bpm and I feel great.  The caveat is that the problems with hives and my extreme cough of last winter prevented me from being able to progress in my training at the rate I had hoped.  Now, even though I know I can do the marathon, am I really ready to do it?  What will be the consequences to my body, and what is my motivation?   I thought about this for awhile, wondered whether I was doing this for the reasons I considered to be honorable.  Was this about ego?  If no one else ever knew I was in this race, no one ever rooted me on or patted my back for a job well done, would I still be standing on that starting line on the morning of October 1st?  Or is my reason purely personal, to relive the excitement and camaraderie of the competition; to experience the glory of my body through the utter exhaustion of running for 26.2 miles?  I fully realize how strange this must sound to the uninitiated.  That's okay.  It is strange, I admit.  As of now, I believe I will be there on that starting line, and I will give it my all.  But, we'll see.  If you see me on that morn, smile and wave, and have sympathy for the poor old soul, for he does know what he's doing.

Here comes the sun

The sun is shining today.  It seems surreal to see the sun again after all the rain we've been receiving lately.  But I see things differently, with new eyes.  I see the rain as cleansing, bringing a new beginning, a new opportunity for life.  I can see that the lessons of late have been like the rain.  If I choose, I can be cleansed for a new beginning.  And the beauty of this is repeated every morning when I wake from my nights sleep.  I see the sun shining on my world, and I realize once more how blessed I am.  My Creator has blessed my time here with such abundance.  How fortunate am I!  But this is not the end.  I have been encouraged to return this abundance to my fellow man, and to the Earth Mother.   I have been given opportunity to make a real difference in this world.  I tend to think in ways of magnitude, but in reality my very existence, my choices in my behavior and the way I interact with my world all add up to significant opportunity.  I tend to think that I don't really matter, that others far greater then I will have far more impact on the world, but this is very wrong.  My Creator has blessed me with the opportunities to change things.  This may not happen immediately.  I may never see it happen, but happen it will. There is a saying that says something like the beating of the wings of a butterfly in Africa can cause hurricanes on the opposite site of the world.  Likewise, my most insignificant interaction may have far greater future affects then ever anticipated.  But what if it doesn't?  What if my actions have little meaning beyond the immediate moment in time?  What then?  There will probably be times where this may be the case, but what of the other times?  When I get angry at another and raise my voice in hostility, that will matter. Likewise, when I give aid to someone in need, that will matter.  Even the smile, the gentle look of caring may have distant results beyond my wildest imagination.  And what of those times when my actions aren't exactly as I would like, what then?  I saw a tee shirt once that said "I'm not totally useless, I can be a good bad example".  The bottom line, I've been using the excuse that I don't matter for far too long!  I must face up to the responsibility that I do matter, that my every action has the potential for great significance, and that I can, and will make a difference.  What an opportunity!  What a blessing!

September 11, 2011

It's been ten years!  I remember that day so well, perhaps too well.  The day before I had purchased an enlarger for my darkroom from a commercial studio near Ft. Detrict, where I was working at the time.  The enlarger was far to large to fit in a car, so on that fateful day I had brought my truck and horse trailer to work with me.  To avoid traffic, I had taken an early lunch to go and pick up the enlarger. Having the trailer there allowed me to bring it back to work with me, and have it both secure and protected from the weather.  I soon found out what was happening when I was not allowed back on the base; it was completely sealed following the first attack.  I came home, arriving just in time to watch a plane crash into the second tower.  I could not believe what I was seeing!  How could someone do such a horrific act?  This was so alien to my entire being.  To this day, after all these years of repeatedly hearing about these terrorist attacks upon humanity, I still cannot comprehend such actions.  How can a religion that supposably espouses peace condone the purposeful and indiscriminate  taking of innocent lives?  In reality, I guess most all of the mainstream religions have endorsed war and murder to further their cause at one time or another.  Why?  I cannot believe that the Creator that I feel such a close and powerful relationship with would ever endorse such behavior.  I cannot believe that I would ever be able to carry out such activity.  But, our military takes lives daily in the act of helping people of other nations.  Such a dilemma.  When we established our nation, the powers that be were using single shot muskets and swords to maintain their power.  Now, with modern weaponry, how can a population hope to win their freedom from a tyrant when they are facing such over whelming odds?  Is it wrong for another nation to help them win their freedom?  It is far more difficult when both sides of the argument have merit.  The decision becomes more difficult when the motivation of those in power is uncertain.  Is the gap between idealism and realism so great that no middle ground is within reach?  Is the real victim in all of this integrity?

Saturday, all day

Saturday morning.  Why does it seem like a day that doesn't really count?  I guess my energy is low and I just am having difficulty getting things going.  I was hoping to run a long run on the Towpath yesterday, but I'm not even sure if the path is there anymore.  We have had beacoup rain lately!  I guess I should be thankful that we aren't further East.  They really got nailed.  Some places got over a foot of rain this past week; and the flooding reflects it.  They are comparing the floods to Hurricane Agnes back in 1972 or 73; I'm not really sure which.  I sometimes use these landmarks in time to think of days past.  When the hurricane came through, I was enrolled in Towson State College (not yet of University status) and living in Northern Maryland with some friends (hippy commune!).  My girlfriend at the time was Nina.  I have fond memories of Nina.  The thing I remember about that day the most is trying to get home from school.  I kept trying roads, only to get to impassible sections and having to turn back.  I had left my derby hat outside.  Oh well.
I am amused at the differences in perception one has from inside and outside.  I am speaking here of the hippy movement of the seventies.  Folks speak of hippies as dirty, bug infested freaks living for their next drug induced high.  My perception of things was far different.  We had a new mindset; a perception of life where people worked with each other rather then against.  This was indeed a time of love.  The length of ones hair wasn't so much a statement of defiance as a celebration of ones self.  Later this would change, but at the time we didn't want to instill a violent mindset against society.  We just wanted to celebrate the beauty of life.  Then the media jumped in.  Maybe fear was the factor that motivated the bias, but the perception presented by media was far different then my reality.  This fear of difference is still present today.  Do we generate fear and hostility to separate ourselves from others?  Is this how we defend ourselves from the unfamiliar perspective; our walls?  I sometimes ask myself why I have long hair now.  The practical answer is I can't find a good barber.  But, there is more.  Maybe I am still the perpetual optimist.  Maybe I believe I can demonstrate the mindset of the original hippies, set the record straight, so to speak.  Or, maybe I just like being a pain in the ass to those who still feel the fear of difference?  It is amazing how little tolerance there is amongst so many of my friends.  Why?

A new day

I have just returned from giving help to a friend.  I enjoy the opportunity to slow my world down and share myself with others; ideas shared are the seeds of lessons learned.  Sometimes I realize that I need to slow down and share ideas with myself; to stop the running for a moment to catch a breath and realize the beauty of all that is around me, and of me.  I think of the word "realize", and grasp the significance.  Realize.  To make real.  To accept some thing as a part of my consciousness.  I marvel at the realization of how seldom I take time for this important part of my life.  I am very good at hiding from me.
I had hoped to enroll in a yoga class at the new Craftworks studio.  I do not think now is the right time for this.  When I left the building yesterday, I had some minor reaction to the time I spent in the building.  I tried to convince myself that it was minor and would not matter, but I know this is not true.  I had the realization (see, there's that word again!) that I am spreading myself too thin.  When I start to reach a point where something is ready to speak to me, I quickly find another thing to pull me away.  I need to devote my time to those things on my path now, shamanism and meditation, art and music.  I believe that yoga is something I will do in the future.  I know that my body will benefit greatly from this.  I believe my spirit will benefit as well.  But not now.  Now, my physical self is involved in the pure act of training, of running.  I have 23 days, 21 hours and some minutes left to prepare myself, both physically and mentally, for the challenge of running 26.2 miles.  In one day.  At this time, I have a full plate.  If I take another thing into my life, some part of something else must leave to make room.
No, now is not the time.  Now is the time for me to be the me I need to be at this time.  I need to run!  My plans call for a long run on the C&O Towpath on Friday.  I wonder if the path will be suitable with all the rain we have had lately.  The forecast calls for rain today, tomorrow and some on Friday.  I'm sure what needs to be will be.  Maybe I should take up swimming?

The Studio

I just returned from meeting Aundrea at Craftsworks (www.wvcraftworks.org/).  Lately I have been enjoying the continued good fortune of having beautiful, amazing people enter my life.  Today was no exception.  I felt Aundrea to be a sensitive, sensual woman of power and creativity with a strong sense of what can be.  Meeting people like this is refreshing to me; it gives me a sense of optimism for the human condition.
I went to the Studio to test the environment.  It is of relatively new construction, so my concern is formaldehyde.  Being rather ubiquitous in our daily lives, formaldehyde is often utilized as a preservative and flavor enhancer in processed foods and is used extensively in construction, both in adhesives and textiles.  Initial response appears to be okay, but I'll have to see if I start having reactions such as hoarseness and/or hives later on today and this evening.  I hope not, because I want to sign up for the class in vinyasa flow yoga that begins this week.  I'm not sure how my 62 year old body will respond, but it probably will not be pretty.  But, if I can survive the initial year or two of torment, I imagine that this will be a good thing for me.  I see my autumn as one of intense personal growth.  My plans are to jump back into my art by way of the drawing class I have registered for as well as getting back to my classical guitar and photography.  I also am intending to devote time daily to meditation and spiritual growth. There is so much I want to do; I think I need to be more organized.  I need a schedule!  Yuck!  That is so unlike me.  I'm more the type to just wing it.  I think that's why these classes are good for me.  They make me do stuff.

Antietam memories

I've been looking over the course of the race this afternoon.  I ran 8 miles on the roads around my house this morning and the hills have left their mark.  I feel confident that the hills I have here to train on exceed any I will encounter in the race.  I sure hope so, at least! This old guy isn't up to this sort of thing any more.  Anyway, the results of todays run are that I am not in any great shape to be doing anything constructive, so I've been reading about the course.  Specifically, I've been reading about Antietam battlefield.  Names like "The Cornfield" and "Bloody Lane" don't mean much to most people now, but at one time they were the site of the horrors of war unlike ever been experience elsewhere.  I knew many good men were killed or wounded that day, but did not realize that four times as many American soldiers died at Antietam then on D-Day in the 2nd World War.  Most casualties occurred in "The Cornfield", a field whose crop had been decimated by rifle fire during the hours of conflict.  "Bloody Lane" received its name from the description of the rivers of blood that were seen flowing down the road following the battle.  Union soldiers were forced to step over the multitude of bodies of Confederate soldiers during their advance.  I personally just cannot conceive of this!  These soldiers on both sides must have had such passion.  I cannot imagine the people I know, including myself, to have such passion about a belief in a way of life.  Times must have been very different back then.  I know that if I make it that far in the race, the run through the battlefield will have a special significance for me.  Maybe I can tap into some of that passion to carry me to that point in the race?  I remember many years ago I was helping a friend of mine train for a race, and I suggested that she imagine some experience in her past that really made her mad.  Maybe she could somehow tie into that rage to pull yourself to a higher level.  Perhaps my desire to experience that battlefield, and in some way have my effort honor those who fought there so many years ago, might be a source for that passion for me.  I won't be dodging a hail of musket balls, but by that point I might be thinking I'm ready to die!    

My short vacation

I'm back from my short "vacation".  Wow, great things happened in the last few days.  I made a last minute decision to go for a ride on the Skyline Drive on Sunday evening.  My friend Leigh Anne has recently moved to the area around Faber, VA near the southern terminus of the Skyline Drive, so everything kind of fell into place.  Not quite.  I haven't been camping on my bike for 1 1/2 years, so gathering up my stuff took a bit of time.  Normally it's just second nature to pack, but not this time.  I got my panniers packed to realize my cargo straps for my duffel bad are in the bottom of the bag, under everything I just packed.  Then I could not find one of my straps, so I unpacked the other side thinking it might be there.  No.  I spent over an hour looking for the wayward strap, to no avail.  So, I solved it by only taking one duffel bag instead of the normal two.  This meant taking everything out, deciding what I would leave at home, and re-packing again (#4).  Now, I had originally decided to go because the weather dude had said near zero probability of rain.  It rained on me twice in the first twenty miles.  Then, it rained again when I got to my camp site on Skyline Drive.  But, enough of problems.  So, I sat in my tent that evening feeling very lonely and depressed.  I wrote a bit about my feelings, but was unsure about whether to post it or not.  Well, in the pursuit of total openness, here it is.

I sit in my tent, listening to the rain.  When I left today, there was no mention of rain in the forecast, only a 20% probability of isolated thunder storms.  I got a late start because I have somehow misplaced one half of one of my cargo straps.  It has been a year and a half since I have been camping on my bike, but I still cannot figure out how I misplaced half of a strap.  Sounds like coyote business to me.  Anyway, I am enjoying myself.  Oh, by the way, the rain has apparently stopped and the sun is peeking out.  Wonderful!
Well, I’m back.  Walked around the campground a little to check things out.  This is going to be an interesting post.  Wonder if I’ll actually put it on the blog later.  I feel sad this evening.  I think I’m lonely.  This is not good for the person who loves to travel alone.  I think I have been spoiled.  In the last couple of years I have had the good fortune of traveling with some remarkable people.  I’ve had the opportunity to share myself on so many different levels with such different people.  It started with my friend Mark back in 1997, but that was different.  We would go to bike rallies together, but we were always occupied with stuff.  I could go with Mark, then turn around and go solo and it was okay; they were different.  I think maybe Mark and I might be growing apart.  This makes me sad, but I can accept this as part of our relationship; things do change.  Then in 2007 I got my BMW R1200GS Adventure motorcycle and I was in love.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved my Harleys, but the Factory let me down, big time.  That really hurt.  Anyway, when I got the BMW it was like a new beginning.  These were people I could Identify with!  I went to a triple header rally that summer; South Dakota, Wyoming and Colorado.  When I arrived at the first rally, I met Buel.  This was quickly followed by Mike, Bob, Nick,  Hans and Carol.  We ended up going to all the rallies together and had a really great time.  Then, I met my friend Kristen for a week in Colorado.  She had been instrumental in my initiation to shamanism and opened a part of me that I knew was there, but never knew how to get there from here.  We shared such a remarkable experience that week.  I believe it was the time of the annual meteor showers (okay Kristen, wherever you are, “shooting stars”; now make a wish).  Bottom line, this was a time of meeting fellow motorcycle enthusiasts, and a time of spiritual awakening.  Then the next year, Molly was temporarily out of work, so she went to the BMW rally in Tennessee with me.  We had such a good time, or at least I did.  Guess I shouldn’t put words in her mouth.  Lets face it, these two years were a tough act to follow!  Now I face the letdown.  How do I do this?  How can I return to solo trips when I have experienced the ultimate sharing with close friends?  Also, I had to sell my beloved BMW for multiple reasons.  Bottom line, I had to sell her.  I like the V Strom, but the experience is just not the same.  I could propose some possible reasons why, but it really doesn’t matter.  Now, if I am able to get another BMW, do I want to spend that much money?  Before I had my sick Harley as a trade in, so the bottom line wasn’t so painful.  This would be different.  In addition, I screwed up my tailbone riding a hard tail chopper to Ashville some years ago and it has gotten progressively worse.  No matter what I do with the seat on the ‘Strom, after an hour I am in agony.  I think I’d have to have an operation to sever the nerve or something.  I’m not even sure there is a fix.  To add insult to injury, the only seat that was really good for this was the one on my Harley, and they don’t make it any more, not that I would ever buy another Harley.  So, where does this leave me.  I’ve been riding motorcycles since 1961 when my friend “Pecky” got an S-65 Honda and we rode it in his back yard.  Motorcycles have been such a major part of my identity.  Are the powers that be telling me it’s time for something new; the big change?  Maybe I’m just getting old.  Or not.

Well, there you have it, in all it's glory.  Me feeling sorry for myself.  Then, I woke up on Tuesday to a new day.  The forest was beautiful, the sun was shining and all was right with the world; at least in my world.  I'll be brief with the description of my visit with Leigh Anne.  It was wonderful!  We visited Yogaville, (http://www.yogaville.org/), an ashram in the area where the energy was amazing.  I took part in the noon meditation and met some very special people.  Later that evening I had the opportunity to meet a beautiful person named Steve and we took the opportunity to walk around the grounds of a spiritual assembly called Synchronicity (http://www.synchronicity.org/).  I decided to leave early on Thursday to get back home to care for the horses and I'm glad I did.  I arrived home, put the bike away, took the dogs out to let them do their stuff and came inside as the rain started to fall.  Perfect!
Life is good!